BATMAN V SUPERMAN : DAWN OF JUSTICE – Endless muscles in tight spandex fighting for dominance
Nutshell – For once all the opinions and advance reviews are spot on. It is overlong, extremely confusing and although fine just not as good as you want it to be. DC comics set out to do a Marvel ‘Avengers’ and launch a huge network of films off the back of this movie which features no fewer than 7 separate superheroes all due their own films with an incredible 10 movies depending on this one’s success. Following directly on from ‘Superman’s’ Man Of Steel movie the two main protagonists both believe the other is simply plain bad news for planet earth and set out to make Metropolis or Gotham one superhero lighter. Legendary Superman baddie Lex Luther really starts screwing things up along the way and Supes has his usual love interest Lois Lane but Batman does not and in all that tight leather one starts to suspect he bat’s for our team.
Time – Holy bat haemorrhoid’s a ring punishing 151 mins; Certificate – 12A so no real violence here
Tagline – “Who Will Win” or ” The World’s finest have arrived” take your pick
THE GAY UK FACTOR – If you are into leather there is a tonne of it, tight spandex with bulges even more. Henry Cavill was recently voted fourth sexiest man on the planet and here we see him climbing into the bath-tub with a naked Lois Lane but he keeps he clothes on – damn you kid friendly cinema ratings we were hoping for the Cavill cock or at least an ass shot.
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Cast – Four Oscar winners all running on automatic here. Ben Affleck as the Bat has two statuettes but not for his acting, Kevin Costner, Holly Hunter & Jeremy Irons won’t get more awards here. Henry Cavill probably the worst actor on the planet not called Sam Worthington, Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network) with all the best lines like a good baddie should have, Amy Adams (Enchanted) as Lois Lane & Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix)
Key Player – Gal Gadot, fresh from lighting up all the best Fast and Furious films this Israeli actress and super model only has 16 lines but Dame Judi Dench style steals the whole movie from the guys and when she turns up as Wonder Woman at one point one of the new franchises to be going forward the movie truly flies.
Budget – $250 million one of the biggest budgets in movie history and at least you can say the majority of it is up on the screen. A few less characters and therefore less paycheques would have made a better more coherent film. It has made $170 million so far so looking OK in a sort of Waterworld way where it makes money but due to expectations everyone sees as a flop
ALSO READ: Someone just made the Batman V Superman trailer gay and we love it.
ALSO READ: Homophobe calls himself Batman before exposing his penis.
Best Bit – 1.58 mins; When at last the two superheroes meet and start to duke it out so that they can save the life of another major character orchestrated by Luther. The idea that Batman with his earthly powers does not stand a chance against the alien strength of the world spinning Superman should be a problem but oh no this is a fair fight when who wins is always in doubt and keeps you on the edge of your seat.
Worst Bit – 49 mins; When Wonder Woman breaks into lex Luther’s computer and discovers a handful of other superheroes such as The Flash, Cyborg and Aquaman all with their movie franchises to come but it’s when this film really starts to get unnecessarily confusing – one film at a time please guys. They are all due to form a part of the legendary Justice League hence the subtitle here ‘Dawn Of Justice’
Little Secret – Ben Affleck stated in a interview that he had asked if he could have the batsuit when filming was complete. The producers said yes, but that he would have to pay $100,000 in order to keep it. Affleck quickly changed his mind and asked if he could just take a picture with it instead. This is the first Batman film ever to be released outside of the lucrative Summer blockbuster period and the first to be filmed in 3D. Matt Damon, Joachin Phoenix and Bradley Cooper were all sought for the Lex Luther part. This is the 10th Batman film in 75 years but the 16th for Superman.
Movie Mistake – Quite a few we could mention the ever changing coffin lid at a key funeral, the movie script pinned to Clark Kent’s suit when he climbs into the bath etc but there is such a major goof that it just jars. After the two heroes have a very long nasty bone crunching fight where Batman’s cowl is smashed; the bat then flies off to beat up another bunch of thugs without any evidence of muscle strain! But what’s this? – The Bat is in a completely different batsuit and with no broken cowl yet only a couple of minutes had passed and in that time he had to get from Gotham to Metropolis as well – now that’s super powers or just truly crap continuity.
Someone at the Daily Planet needs to check the spelling of the word ‘Mourning’ too.
Awards – Maybe for effects, stunts and technical teams and Golden Raspberries for poor acting from Affleck and especially Cavill and maybe for director Zach Snyder who spent all that cash on a 3 star film and who certainly needs to find a decent editor to cut some scenes out.
Zach you are risking 10 movies here on a gamble you may have lost.
Further Viewing – Man Of Steel, The Dark Knight, Avengers Assemble, Alien V Predator, Iron Man 3 & Captain America Winter Soldier the best comic book movies and the recently released Gay porn parody of Batman V Superman from Men.com where Supe’s injects some serious kryptonite into a doubled over gaping bat hole or bat cave as it were… oh we mean ass!
Any Good – Well it is fine, no better no worse, you won’t be asking for your money back and you will probably check out all the MANY films that will follow from this, in fact most of it’s problems stem from the fact that it is trying to set up a whole cinematic universe that will run and run for a decade rather than concentrating on this plot. Affleck is fine and although no Christian Bale, is worthy to continue in the black cape whereas Henry Cavill who is actually a Brit is at least very easy on the eye and gets to wear the tightest gear; He wants Bond but please Mrs Broccoli please don’t do it. The action is fine without being memorable, the early part is clever picking up from the previous Man Of steel film neatly and as for that solo Wonder Woman project well that can come as soon as it wants.
Rating – 72/100 (72nd out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic ejaculatery heaven and 100 being as much fun as watching The Green Lantern film in a double bill with the stinking Fantastic Four movie in wet underpants and an overtight cock ring.
