A lot goes into that 2-minute clip you watch on Twitter!
Doesn’t it all just seem a bit too easy?
Ramming it in
Okay, whoah there cowboy – unlike in porn, you can’t just ram it in – unless you want a bitch slap that would make a Dynasty diva look like a Carebear. Tops – be kind to your bottom. Warm that lad up. Ways to get the fires burning include: fingering, rimming or what we call the Push N Pop are all good ways to get started… oh if you’re wondering a Push N Pop is where you put a little bit in and then taking it out again.
Oh all of the groaning
So much groaning – all the groaning… It’s like the less relaxing, hornier version of Whale song. Okay here’s the thing, some guys aren’t moaners and groaners. Some find it embarrassing – but you can do a bit of dirty talking. If you’re wondering what to say, check out some of our tips on what to say during sex.
Going at it for hours and hours
Some porn scene seems to go on for ages, which they actually do. Remember you’re seeing edited highlights. The actual scene probably lasted hours but these guys take a long time to warm up – and use a tonne of lube… which takes us on to the next point?
Where’s the lube?
So sometimes you see a top giving a quick dash of lube on the end of his Johnson – and maybe the bottom gives his ass a sniff of ID – but wait – you need waaaaay more than that. Get yourself a big old bottle of lube and keep it handy – next to the bed so you can keep on going.
Tired tops
It seems as those these tops can keep on going for hours. You definitely need to build up your stamina if you’re going to be a top that can fulfil a Power Bottom‘s needs.
Abtastics
How is it that almost every guy in porn is white, hairless, slim and or muscled? It’s such a narrow view of the world. In life such conformity doesn’t exist – we are all shapes and sizes, colours and some are actually hairy AF – which is cool.
Gymnastics
How is he… where is his… Wait when… what is that? If you need to brush up on some sex positions that punch above the rest we suggest you take a look at how to turn normal sex position into iconic sex positions.
No mess
Rarely do you see mess (and by that we mean poop) in porn – and probably, that’s a good thing. Actually, that’s a really good thing, unless of course scat is your thing. The body has a habit of doing things – and making sounds at the most inopportune times. Such is life. You can laugh it off – or go grab a shower if things get a little too messy.
Window shenanigans…
There’s a lot of porn going on in windows – which is fine if you’re on the 38th floor looking down 5th Avenue – not so good when your outlook is poor old Mrs Greeves from number 46 – doing her knitting. Won’t somebody think of her cats.
Everyone’s so big…
It seems as though you can’t work in porn unless your penis is big enough to give you a mild fainting feeling every time you get an erection due to substantial blood loss. What is with that – what about the normal size… you know this one…
