Gone are the days of watching Charlie Hunnam getting rimmed on Channel 4 or stealing a look at the Chippendale annual.
The internet is practically 98% porn these days and it’s a magical world where everyone is beautiful and versatile. But here’s the parts they like to gloss over…
1. You can’t just shove it in.
Nope nope nope, don’t you dare go in dry and without a little finger action first. Unless you’ve found a guy with a self lubing, gradually increasing in size penis, there’s absolutely no way that’s going near my butt hole without enough lube to drown a killer whale and not before you’d diddled my fancy for a bit first. And speaking of lube…
2. Lube gets EVERYWHERE.
In the films, there’s zero mess, but reality is a totally different thing. You get lube all over your hands, the bed, each other, the cat, your grandma and next door’s begonias, and you’ll go through several pairs of underwear wiping that stuff off before you can even contemplate being seen in public.
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3. Douching is not only polite but a necessity.
Spontaneous sex in gay porn is a lie, we all know that if you’re going to bottom you need to do the nice thing and make sure you’re clean first. This will obviously require a thorough shower and/or a good douching, and that takes planning. Even a hook-up requires at least a half hour’s notice.
4. You’re not going to get a straight guy to “turn” for money (well maybe)
There are numerous sites out there of “straight” men being paid to let a horny cameraman play around with him. I dare you to try the same thing on your street, it most likely wouldn’t work. In just the same way you wouldn’t go near a lady garden for any amount of money, a straight guy isn’t going to allow you to top him for £100. Most “straight” men in porn are either gay, or bisexual. Maybe you’ll get lucky and a straight guy will let you fondle him over clothes for a pint.
5. Threesomes are far more awkward than you think.
One of the ultimate fantasies, the threesome. You’re all douched, they’re all douched, you have lube to hand and you’re ready to go. Whether it’s with two random hookups or a partner and extra person, when it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you’re generally not entirely sure when to start and who touches who, and you can spend a few very tense minutes just chatting random shit before one of you gets naked. Even then there’s the issue of who’s getting the most involved, so to speak.
6. Condoms don’t magically appear.
Rarely in porn do you see a guy opening the box, and struggling to get a condom out of the packet with his teeth, all while still getting you ready for the onslaught and then faffing about with putting it on. In porn, you see an unsheathed member just about to *hem hem* enter and then suddenly the camera angle changes and he’s magicked a johnny onto his dick. Unless all gay porn stars are witches, I think they might be being a little economical with the truth.
7. No, not all actual people look like that.
If porn is to be believed, all twinks look the same, as do all daddies, and bears. This obviously isn’t the case, someone with a twink body could have a face like a road accident, daddies aren’t all under than 45, and not all bears are basically a hairy, slightly older Zac Efron. Gays come in all shapes, sizes and ages and the sooner you accept that, the more likely you are to get laid instead of waiting for fantasy guy
8. The pizza guy/repairman/delivery driver/your lecturer isn’t going to sleep with you either.
You can’t get out of paying for a service by offering your dick, and chances are the pizza delivery guy is going to be a spotty 17-year-old who would punch you if you made a grab for his junk. Your washing machine isn’t going to be repaired in exchange for an angry handy J. And your lecturer isn’t going to give you an A because you offered your A. Pay for your stuff you cheapskate.
9. The dicks look bigger for a reason.
Now the average dick size is around 5 – 6 inches, but porn stars seem to all possess donkey dicks that make you ponder your own. Here’s a little secret, most male porn stars are under 6 feet tall because a 6-inch dick on a 5′ 6” guy is going to look bigger in comparison (Remember Justin Bieber is only 5′ 7”) Camera angles (we’ve all taken a flattering dick pic) also add to the illusion of monsters. So don’t be disheartened.
10. Public sex isn’t as fun as it seems.
At the gym, in the video store (they still have those?) outside, on a train etc. etc. is a hotbed of illicit and horny sex where the general public is utterly oblivious to what’s going on if porn is to be believed. But unless you’re in the middle of nowhere and it’s after dark you’re in all likelihood going to get caught out. You can’t just drop your kecks in Asda and bone over the grapefruits without someone politely asking you to stop because you’re scaring their elderly mother.
11. Most of those positions are not comfortable.
Gay porn stars seem to have just come off the set of a Cirque du Soleil “who’s the bendiest?” video shoot with some of the positions they manage to get themselves into. A vast majority of them are purely aesthetic and used to get the best looking shot, and notice how they never stay in those positions for long, it’s because your legs would happily divorce you and take half your stuff if you were trying to hoist a guy around for 20 minutes in the same ludicrous position.
12. Not everyone is versatile.
Shock horror right… Ok maybe not. But in porn there’s flip-flopping around, everyone gets a go and everyone is happy. But the reality is a nasty business, and this isn’t happy gay fluffy bunny land. You’re going to get guys who are 100% bottom or 100% top and no amount of persuasion will convince them otherwise, give it up buttercup.
by @AndyEG1982
This article was first published in May 2016
Love this… Very funny.