THE LEGEND OF TARZAN – The eternal story of the jungle hero brought up by apes who turns into a 6’4″ plus sweaty almost nude muscle man is back.
Nutshell – The story has been filmed so many times over the last 98 years and here he gets his biggest budget yet in both an original story and an adventure involving diamonds and nasty Euro villains. Starting in England as the grown up suited and booted Lord Greystoke we get to flashback to the loss of his parents, the adoption by gorillas and how he met Jane before his Lordship whips his clothes off to start swinging through the jungle in the main plot for a bit of revenge, rescue the missus and to sort out some international political shenanigans and save the day. Thank goodness here he can communicate with the animals as he sure needs there help big time.
Time – 110 mins; Certificate – 12A.
Tagline – ‘Human…Nature’.
THE GAY UK FACTOR – Well you have to wait 30 minutes until you get to see a nipple thereafter it is 90 minutes of rippling sweaty muscle running, jumping and wrestling with other buff men. Tarzan is played by Alexander Skarsgard the hottest piece of Swedish blonde manhood you have ever seen. If you want more check out the new gay porn parody Tarzan from Men.com starring porn superstar Diego Sans with his 10 incher stumping every man up the butt who steps into his jungle like an ape on heat and banging his chest and letting out his infamous shout when he cums the choice is yours !.
Cast – Alexander Skarsgard (Zoolander 2), Margot Robbie (The Wolf Of Wall Street), Christoph Waltz (Spectre), Jim Broadbent (Moulin Rouge), Ben Chaplin (Cinderella) and Samuel ‘I’ve had it with these motherf***ing snakes on this motherf***ing plane’ L. Jackson.
Key Player – Christoph Waltz is the only stand out in a sea of beige here. A great scene stealing actor ever since Tarantino launched him into the big time a decade ago and here he adds another complete bastard to his run of Nazi’s in Inglorious Bastards or his Blofeld in the latest James Bond.
Budget – $180 Million, One of the biggest budgets of the Summer but we are looking at a merely break-even film here, so no profit, no sequel and no franchise…..oh dear!
Best Bit – 0.50 mins; Tarzan and buds swing on vines onto a fast-moving train which is a very entertaining but unnecessary action set-piece.
Worst Bit – 0.20 mins; Basically the whole first act is slow going, get your kit off man and fight something so we watch those muscles move and smell those pits.
Little Secret – The 6’4″ actor had to get his bod in shape twice as the cast had to return 8 months later for re-shoots. He said, “We have an outline already for the sequel in which Tarzan gains weight. Tarzan remains hairy and does not have eight pack abs. It has no action and Tarzan eats cake, lots of cake. I wrote it.”…..no worries there is no sequel wanted here.
Movie Mistake – The bad guys death right at the end has a couple of hideous errors check them for yourself as we are not into giving spoilers here.
Further Viewing – The International Movie Database lists over 200 Tarzan films over the last 98 years so when done with those try The Jungle Book (2016), Fitzcarraldo, Romancing The Stone, Congo & even George Of The Jungle.
Any Good – Not really considering that budget. There is plenty of action and a heavily CGI’d finale which hardly engages but the acting is so phoned in and the editing is appalling jumping back in time as and when and leaping the main story onwards with an unexplained blur – you will switch off before the end after all the whole cast except Waltz do. Decent wanking material though.
Rating – 81/100 (81st out of the last 100 films reviewed with 1 being Gay UK filmatic heaven and 100 being a dud).
