THE UNDATEABLE GAY | LOCKDOWN – “I had to stop masturbating, I was becoming far too addicted”

The Sex Files, THE UNDATEABLE GAY reviews his past encounters and the issues of having a high sex drive.

Not only has Coronavirus put us into a situation where we have been separated from our friends and families, but it has also given us singletons an extra problem.

When the hell can we have sex again? I’m not saying I’m a slut but I’ve got needs. I’m craving a one night stand. 

It is almost five months since this enforced dry was spell was pushed upon us. I’m so horny, I’ve even started to perve on our postman. Who is a balding, rather old gentleman with a beer belly.

I’ve even noticed my straight housemate’s husband has started walking around with a padlock attached to his trousers. Okay, so I made that bit up. But you get the idea.

I even had to stop masturbating for a few days as I was becoming far too addicted to the act. And noticed I was getting rather sore. Too much friction, I fear.

But it’s got me reminiscing about some of my one night stands and sexual encounters from days gone by…

I remember George. Now he was a handsome sort. And he wasn’t just a one night stand actually. Oh no. We had sex on numerous occasions over the course of a few months. I suppose you would call him a fuck buddy.

Any ex-boyfriend of mine who might be reading will tell you – I have an incredibly high sex drive. Give me ten minutes to have a wee and a suck on my vape and I can go again. No problem.

Except this did turn out to be a problem for George. Who couldn’t keep up with me. And one night (after we’d made love FOUR times), he got up from the bed, slight limp and informed me he wouldn’t be able to see me again. And so I was dumped by my FB for having a high sex drive.

Ahhh. And then there was AJ. A very beautiful Australian bloke. He was such a tentative, seductive and attentive shag. As we were between the sheets, I felt like we were performing a sex scene from 80’s super soap, DYNASTY.

And I couldn’t help but declare my satisfaction. Mid-way through love making, I stopped, grabbed his face and declared:

“You’re such a passionate lover!” A la Joan Collins style.

And when I say Joan Collins. I mean it. I imitated her accent, seductive purr and  glamorous pout to a tee. I was so proud. He was less impressed with my impersonation. He quickly finished and made his excuses to leave, never to be heard of again.

And then there was Jimmy. Now, he wasn’t just sex. Oh no, no. We’d met on Gaydar. All my older gays will remember this site. It was big long before Grindr came along. 

Jimmy made it perfectly clear that he wanted more than just sex. He wanted us to get to know each other. I remember he worked at Tesco. So one night, when he finished his shift, I went to pick him up in my car. I thought we could go for a romantic drive.

It was a cold winter’s night, deep into December. I’d love to say it was snowing to make the story sound more romantic, but I’d be lying.

We pulled over to admire the Christmas lights on Oxford Street and I could see Jimmy was shivvering.

“I’ll give you a blow job to warm you up!” I blurted out. I was joking of course but Jimmy was more prudish than I’d given him credit for. And clearly lacked a sense of humour. 

“How rude!” He retorted. And quickly made his excuses so that I would drop him home.

And I will NEVER forget Liam. I met him in a pub and we just clicked. I did notice that he kept going to the toilet during our date. I just assumed he had a weak bladder. And he seemed to sniff a lot. I just assumed he might be getting a cold.

Before I knew it, he’d taken me back to his place. No sooner had the front door shut behind us, Liam lifted me up, kissing me passionately and carried me into the bedroom. He lifted his leg to slam the bedroom door behind us. And then threw me onto the bed. Very macho. I felt like Tanya Turner in Footballers Wives. 

I already felt aroused so I pulled his trousers down and was presented with a VERY flaccid penis. How could he not have an erection? He could read my thoughts.

“Sorry. I’ve been taking coke all night.” Well, that killed the moment.