What it's like to come out as gay when you're married to a woman

David Christel has written a book about what it’s like to come out as gay, when you’re married to a woman and gives top tips on how to overcome fear, accept yourself and let people know about who you are.

The book Married Men Coming Out! is about the evolution of personal identity when a man who has previously been identified as heterosexual and married finally comes to terms with his true sexuality and chooses to accept, with conviction, who he really is: a gay man.

This is a guidebook for those who realise that they’ve made an error by denying and suppressing their true identity and they can no longer live a double life. They need to be who and what they truly are: gay.

Be brutally honest with yourself.

You’ve been hiding from your true self long enough, so playing games isn’t going to help you. If you truly want to be free, then face facts and face your challenges with heart, compassion, and truth.

Accept yourself for who you are.

Trying to get others to accept you for who and what you are is a bottomless pit. The only way past this is to be fully accepting of yourself. Your confidence will radiate outwardly and your sense of wellbeing will not be dependent on others.

Be honest with everyone.

“Honesty is the best policy,” but disclosure must be handled delicately. Put yourself in others’ shoes to understand how they might feel and react to your coming out. Very often, your announcement can cause a huge shift for others as they question their relationship and relationship dynamic with you, their personal values and beliefs, their history with you, and more.

Take some time before you jump into a relationship with another man.

You’re going through a major transition and re-identification process. The last thing you want to do is bring into a new relationship unresolved issues concerning your former marriage, as well as a lack of understanding about who you truly are and your beliefs and values.

Don’t let others manage your coming out process.

No one appreciates being outed and we all appreciate managing our own lives. For most men, the coming out process is a long one and has many issues connected with it. It requires timing, addressing issues when it feels right within oneself, and sensitivity to one’s environment and circumstances.

Communication is key.

The people you come out to are going to have questions, opinions, and judgments. The more clearly and authentically you communicate with others, the less complicated the process will be. Very importantly, others will truly begin to understand just who you are.

Don’t be a slave to fear.

The biggest fear with coming out is that of loss: loss of family, friends, neighbours, co-workers, status, job and career, lifestyle, inheritance, home, love, acceptance, inclusion. People will try to use your fear against you to satisfy their own beliefs, values, agendas, and fears. I think you can see the fallacy in that.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

You are not alone on your journey. There are so many resources available to you from support groups to therapists, community activities, and LGBTQ centers. Coming out means also coming out of your shell by connecting with those who are on similar journeys of self-discovery.

Be authentic, be YOU.

No one else can do you better than you. You are unique and you have gifts, so don’t try to be someone else or something you’re not. Let the truth of your being and inner light shine for all the world to see. The greatest gift you can give yourself and anyone else is the truest essence of your being.

Become a pioneer, model, and educator for the LGBTQ community and other married men desiring to come out.

“Be the change you want to see in the world.” You never know who will benefit from the sharing of your life experience. You may save a life by it. That’s how important each of us is in the world.

What it’s like to come out as gay when you’re married to a woman